Things About Boys
Hi boys. Yes, all of you. This letter is for boys in general. ‘Men’ if you prefer that term, although I am addressing mainly boys my age. Who are, by all accounts, still boys.
[Please note, all of the following are my personal opinions, and yes, I am probably a bad person, but that’s just the way it is.]
Here’s the thing, Average Boy. We have a tempestuous relationship, you and I. I love you, but I also really really don’t. There are several things about you that I dislike. I should like to inform you of them here. I hope not to hurt your feelings, but I just want to get a few things off my chest that have been bothering me about you lately. So here we go…
I don’t like it when you wear running shoes with your regular outfit. This one is not particularly fair, because it’s based on your outward appearance. But I will add, for fairness sake, that I also don’t like it when girls wear running shoes with their regular outfits. Unless they are busy moms, or dads, or something. But in general it just gets my goat. Maybe I oughtn’t have led with this one. Oh well.
I don’t get why you can’t take hints/social cues/outright rejection (when all else fails). Honestly! I am a friendly person, fact. I am nice to most people, fact. I will not go out of my way to hurt your feelings or pretend-not-to-like-you-when-actually-I-do, fact. Nope, I actually just don’t like you. Surprise! Yep, if I have avoided all your attempts at dating me in the past, the truth is that I probably don’t want to date you. Omg! No way. And if I have told you that I don’t want to date you, guess what? I don’t want to date you. So can you stop being so creepy and clingy and just be nice and friendly and we’ll take it from there? Because when you act that way it makes me very averse to your company.
Can you please read more? No, not just of this article. Books! Take a cue from these guys. In general, I think you need to spend more time reading.
Don’t be a jerk, Average Boy! Don’t date me while you have a girlfriend. Don’t fool around with me for 5 months, saying you’re not ready for a girlfriend, then go home for the summer and get a girlfriend. Don’t ask for an open relationship. Don’t whine about the days when you used to be single. Don’t keep our relationship a secret! Don’t make me wait for you to come online when you said you would (this one’s old… from msn days). Don’t insult my clothes/friends/makeup/body. Don’t keep me guessing. Don’t date me and 3 other girls without telling me. Don’t booty call me. (Note: not all of these things have happened to just me. That would be sad.)
Learn to cook for yourself. I’m not asking you to be a master chef, but know the basics. Be able to make spaghetti, use a barbeque (or, alternatively a George Foreman grill!!), make eggs of various sorts, chop vegetables, and just make some sort of effort in the cooking department. It’s weird and unhealthy to order in food all the time.
Stop acting like I’m obsessed with you, or that I will become obsessed in short order. You are not all that. You thinking that you are all that makes you not all that. Don’t just come up to me on a dance floor and put your sweaty paws all over me – I’m not into that! Why don’t you segway into the dance circle, and let me become aware of your presence and able to turn away if I’m not feeling it? Sometimes I’m terrified when on dance floors: I’m thinking, “what pervert is going to touch me next”?!
Don’t get embarrassingly drunk. If you’re so drunk I have to look out for you in any way, it’s embarrassing.
Don’t text me at 3:30 am, unless we are good friends, and it is really important.
I think it’s gross when you don’t take your studies seriously, Average Boy. That’s very arrogant and disrespectful to your parents and yourself for that matter. Learn to balance!
Average Boy, you need to learn basic table manners. I have known you to eat with your mouth open (ew), talk with your mouth full (ewew) and get food all over your mouth/table/shirt/me (ewewewewew). Please fix this.
Don’t be so shifty when it comes to personal talks. If there’s something you want to tell me, tell me! Chances are, I have already analyzed your behaviour and developed a hypothesis, but that doesn’t mean I’m right and I still want to hear it from you.
Respect me, and my wishes. That’s basically the whole thing in a nutshell.
But guess what, Average Boy! All hope is not lost! For those are only a few things that bother me about you, and since you’re only about 19ish you still have lots of time to impress me. Although, that being said, in a number of respects you already impress me. Sometimes you’re thoughtful and kind, mature and respectful. Yes, Average Boy, there are lots of things I love about you. These include but are not limited to the contents of this Letter to Men by Christina Hendricks, but I’ll leave you with simply that letter from her, until I get around to writing you to tell you what I personally love best about you. Christina Hendricks and I agree on many aspects of our love for you, Average Boy, so read it!
Sigh, my only love sprung from my only hate!!