I told myself to write today, so here I am. I don’t have a topic in mind, so I guess I’ll just write about what’s on my mind and see where that takes us, shall I?
Last night we gotta a little impaired and ended up ordering food and watching Planet Earth: Ocean Deep. That stuff is trippy, let me assure you. Some of the revelations we came to:
-Everything on the earth is food for something else; it’s the freggin’ circle of life! Except for the man-made crap, which is disrupting the circle.
-Based on all of the strange, bio-luminescent and camouflaging species out there, the conclusion is that humans have the potential to evolve those characteristics. How sick is that?
Aye, these may be very wrong but whatever. We had fun. It was fun.
Today I’ve been thinking a lot (as usual) about personality and personal things that we do. Maybe my perspective is flawed because I live in a residence filled with tons of other people my age, but my general perception is that there are things that you do which you talk about, and those that you don’t. And who you are determines, to some extent, if you share certain things, but I think that we don’t admit to some things, no matter who we’re with, or who we are. We all have secrets.
Take this blog as an example. I’m a giant coward about it. It’s somehow too personal for me to share, despite how ridiculous that notion is, since it is posted free as a bird on the internet for anyone to find. I guess that’s the point. Anyone could find it, and none of those anyones know me. Making it non-personal. They can judge me since they don’t know me. Their words have no meaning, should they say any. I am working on getting to a point where I can share it with everyone close to me but I somehow can’t. And part of the reason I can’t is because it has only recently become something that you admit to, among certain crowds, that you write or blog. Blog are still so recent that I feel like a lot of people my age are not…
Wait. I’m stopping myself mid-sentence for some personal therapy. Steph – shut up. I can see in my head the people who would laugh at the idea of me having a blog. But guess what? These people who would laugh, they’re not people I ever talk to. Why are they the judges in my head? It doesn’t make any sense.
I clearly have issues.
I am currently trying to work through some of said issues. Maybe writing more would help? Write write write. Write.
Are we all masked? Is everyone fooling everyone else? Lots of people have told me that before they met me, they thought I had every aspect of my life together. And although I’m not exactly falling apart at the seams here, it’s clear I need to work on things. Yet there’s plenty of people that I know who look like they have it all together. Is it all fake?
I watched a featurette for ‘A Single Man’ yesterday. Tom Ford said that he feels alone most of the time, that we all sort of do. This was a gigantic relief. Not for the reason you might think: ‘Oh a successful movie director feels what I feel, I am saved!’, but because I was completely relieved that there’s no pressure. Not everyone is perfect, I certainly don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to apologize or beat myself up for wanting to be alone a lot of the time. There’s nothing wrong with being lonely, it is innately human.
I love my life, and I love being myself. I think the main feeling I have a lot of the time is the lack of knowledge of myself. I don’t know myself? I’m starting to wonder if I’m overthinking this. Does anyone know themselves? Am I searching for an impossible state of enlightenment? I really don’t know if this confusion will ever end. I may live like this forever and ever and ever, seriously. Gahhh.
I am also aware of the fact that I plan things too much. But plans make me feel safe. I like making lists, I like having things to check off. I like plans, even if they don’t go exactly right I still like making them. I need to plan less, do more. But I do do. I just need to do more? Or are people just telling me to do more, and I’m fine the way I am.
The world is telling me to be thinner, be smarter, do more, be less, cry less, live more, talk more, be alone less, watch more movies, go out more, eat less, eat better, eat more, write more, write less, concentrate, get carried away, escapism, realism, connect more, be mysterious, don’t trust anyone, trust everyone. I AM SO TORN. Who am I? I can no longer distinguish my own style from that which the magazines are telling me to have. I can’t ever figure out if I’ve had an original idea or if I read it somewhere. Who are we in this crazy world?
Okay I’m going to wrap this up. This post has been quite rambly, a bit convoluted and a lot personal. It makes me nervous to post this, just so all y’all readers know. But this is something that I feel like doing, not something I’m ‘supposed to do’. So I’m doing it. So take that, world. Look at me living on the wild side. I didn’t plan this!
ps: I’ve always wanted a pet monkey.